My Toughest Month in Investing#
This is not a numbers post. There isn't a buy in it, or a sell, or an ex-div date to hit. It's still the toughest month I've had since I started doing this, and it belongs in the logbook, because the logbook is supposed to be honest.
A few weeks ago we found out we're having a baby. Mid-thirties, first time, not planned - and I can tell you now that nothing prepares you for it. It hits you like a ton of bricks, then the bricks rearrange themselves into something you're excited about, and then they hit you again. A rollercoaster is the cliche and it's the cliche because it's accurate.
Because the mother is over 35, we opted to do the NIPT screening. In my head that was going to be the fun appointment: find out the gender, get the nasty stuff as a footnote, move on. It went the other way round. The result came back with a very elevated z-score for trisomy 21. The gender is the footnote now.
Here's the part I wasn't ready for. A screening isn't a diagnosis. The diagnosis comes from an amniocentesis, and that's about a month away. So we know the odds - knowing what I know about probabilities, it's looking like 90%-plus that the amnio confirms it - but we don't know the answer. We've been flung into a purgatory waiting room. Lots of time to think. Lots of time to be sad. Lots of time to sit with what if, and what does this actually mean. For someone who likes to control things, who plans and strategises and builds spreadsheets so that the future behaves, that waiting is the hardest bit of all.
It puts this whole project into perspective in a way I'd rather not have had. I'd give the portfolio away tomorrow if it meant I didn't have to go through what we're going through right now. Every share of it. You can plan, you can see things coming, you can build a machine that pays you on a schedule - and then real life happens, and it happens on its own schedule, and none of the planning helps.
Last month I wrote that life gets messy and the income doesn't care. I didn't know how messy I meant. The dividends will still land in September. LGEN will still pay. I'm oddly glad the machine doesn't need me right now, because I haven't got much to give it.
We're hoping for the best. I'll write again when we know. This is a logbook, and this is what's in it this month.